Camino Thoughts

One week from today, I will be flying to Madrid, to embark on my attempt to walk the 500 mile Camino de Santiago. When I say 'walk', I mean traverse. I've given myself 40 days, and I'm not sure that it's enough time to walk the entire way. (I've been told I walk slow, the uphills are hard on my breathing, and I plan to be careful and take care of myself, so as to avoid injuries.) I am, however, bound and determined to walk the final 100k! I will start walking from St Jean Pied de Port on October 5. I hear there are options in between to hasten your journey, like renting a bicycle for the Meseta, and riding a horse up one hill. I will take it one day at a time, maybe even one step at a time, and see what unfolds.

I've been obsessed with the Camino since I first heard of it, 4 years ago, when a girl from my yoga class did it. I followed her blog and was enthralled. We've since become friends, and she greatly encouraged me to just GO! Thanks, Tess! Thecaminogypsychronicles.blogspot.com

I want this journey to be a spiritual one. I've long loved to travel, but being a single, introverted, (middle-aged!), spiritual woman with a career, there was always a reason not to go. I always thought that i should spend my time doing something productive or helping people.

Life was becoming too much of the daily grind. I'd burned myself out volunteering at my church, judged myself too harshly for past mistakes, was tired of living alone and just existing, not feeling as though my life had purpose or meaning. So I quit my job in California, rented out my house, and moved in with my son and his family in Colorado. Let's just shake things up a bit, shall we? That was 6 months ago. I don't plan on living with them forever, so this was a great time to take sabbatical, go on pilgrimage, be alone with my thoughts, seek to connect with God, and hopefully come up with some ideas as to what to do next in my life.

I am learning that taking sabbatical, and working on healing my soul and spirit, is just as meaningful as helping others, and so very necessary if I ever hope to help others again. Thank you, Phileena Heuertz, for sharing your insights into this very thing. I highly recommend her book: Pilgrimage of a Soul. www.Phileena.com

My prayer is that I find purpose, joy, a reason for being. And that I learn to love myself, forgive myself, accept myself, and be comfortable with who I am. I think I've often made decisions on my life based on what I percieve to be others' (or society's) expectations of me. Now that I'm on the other side of 50, I'm thinking life is too short to worry about what other people think. I wrote this the other day, after a training hike: God, please give me new eyes to love people and look at them in expectant wonder. I had realized that by judging myself so harshly, I had begun to judge others the same way. And that's no fun.

That's the serious side of it. Then there's the little kid in me: I get to go to Spain! Freaking Spain! Ham, cheese, wine, the language, the people ~ all the other peregrinos & peregrinas. What an adventure! I'm so grateful for the opportunity. 

So here I go! Wish me luck, or 'Buen Camino' as they say.

Receiving the pilgrim blessing and a shell from the American Pilgrims on the Camino, Colorado Front Range Chapter.  A great group of people and a great hike!

Another training hike:  4th of July Trail, Nederland, CO

Thoughts, clear like bubbles

Wednesday, I had a conversation about thoughts - how thoughts should be transparent, like bubbles: 'oh there's one, ok, it's gone' - 
let's not take them too seriously, because when you focus on them they define you, and you can't see past them. 

'As a man thinks in his heart, so is he'. 
Gotta get out of my head and quit beating myself up! 

We talked about being present, grounded, feeling the gravity, feeling myself here ~ and then in yoga Thursday night, Jess talked about the same thing. 

Just breathe, just be, just accept... 

We talked about wisdom ~ 
'If any lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives liberally...' 

So I'm asking.  Please.  I need wisdom.  I can't do this 'life' thing without wisdom that comes from God.

November Rain

November Rain has been raining some refreshing on my soul:

I took this pic because I knew my good friend Mel was in labor on Wednesday, and I wanted it to be a November baby so bad - and it was  perfect November day - it was raining all different colored leaves all around.  And Lila Faye entered the world.  Welcome, baby girl.

On Monday, little (big) Sawyer Dean was born.  How blessed am I to get to meet these two brand new souls on their first days on this planet?  So precious.  I just cried at the sight of them.  and that's OK.


Also, this week...  random people speaking random words of encouragement...

Saturday night at Gravity @gravitychurch- 3 different ladies told me they liked my style.  That's pretty cool, as I don't see myself as very chic or feminine or anything - definitely more funky hippie vibe. But whatever, it felt good to hear.  It's been a rough year.

Then I spent a long time talking with @GizmOMcCluck - he told me that when he sees me he sees strength.  That's the word I remember.  I know he said some other things too.  It was encouraging. 

Today at work, Shola started describing what he sees when he sees me.  We don't talk very often, I don't know him that well.  He said he sees:  Strength, Dignity, Respect, Kindness.  Wow!  I told him God sent you here to say those things to me today. 

I have some more things to say about thoughts being clear like bubbles, but that will have to wait. 

peace and love, grace and mercy,
t.

The Daily Love

I paraphrased this from a daily email I receive called the Daily Love. Reminds me of TrueFaced. Excited to be starting that study again next week.

http://thedailylove.com/

The more time I spend on The Path, the more I realize how important it is to tell your truth.

There is a difference between telling your truth and saying anything that comes to your mind. Just because you have a thought, doesn't make it your truth. When I say how important it is to tell your truth, I'm not giving you permission to emotionally vomit on everyone you know. No.

What I'm talking about is the sacred duty you have to yourself, to God and to those that you Love, to be as honest, truthful and authentic about how you are feeling and what your heart TRULY believes about whatever you are going through.

People make themselves up to be something they are not to please other people and then wonder where the real Love, passion and magic IS!

You can only have the passion, the Love and the magic by being and sharing from your authentic self. When we settle or when we change ourselves to please other people, deep down we no longer cherish, honor and respect ourselves. And then WE TEACH other people how to treat us - by the way that we treat ourselves.

It's magic.

And here's the thing - if you have people in your life who are not okay with you being your authentic self and living truly from your heart and honoring and cherishing your empowerment, it's best to Love those folks from a far. Don't hold on to people because there is a small pay off of affection and attention because you are afraid nothing better is going to come along! NO!

Let them go. If you've never actually BEEN yourself, if you've never actually stepped into your authentic shoes, if you've never actually acted on the true Love that you have for yourself, then of course you won't think the world will bring you anything better - because you never allowed it to in the first place.

God can only give us that which we are able to receive, and if you've been settling for crumbs your whole life, then it makes sense to believe there is no feast coming. But that's total BULL. There IS a feast of Love and passion and magic available to you. But you first have to BE YOURSELF FULLY before that kind of rawness can find you.

And by the way, if someone doesn't accept you for who you are, WHY OH WHY are you holding on to him or her? You deserve Love. You deserve joy. You deserve the BEST that God and Life has to offer - so start treating yourself as if you do!

Who can you let go of today? How can you express your authentic self today? Who in your life can you accept more of today?

Lent - Winding Down

It's Maundy Thursday. The day of the Last Supper. We're winding down. For a minute, I thought 'cool, it's almost here'. Then I remembered what 'it' was... It's sad - the beating, the crucifixion, the dying... We have to go through all that to get to Sunday - the good part. The awakening, the resurrecting, the redemption - the joy.

I remember a drama I saw in church once, where the devil was running around all creepy like in a black hood, jingling his keys - and the narrator kept saying - it's Friday - but Sunday's coming. Maybe it's a Carman song. Yeah, I think so.

Anyway, it's been good to read the devotionals, to (attempt to) be mindful of what this season means.

Tomorrow I get to attend a Good Friday Service and a Seder (a traditional Jewish passover meal). I think there will be meat at the Seder, but it's ok, it's the last night, and we will be remembering Jesus's last meal. I have never attended a Seder before, and I've always wanted to. I could go to my Jewish friend's family's but it's on Saturday and I'd miss church, so I will have to try for next year.

Here's a quote from Bob Goff - that man knows a lot about love:
@bobgoff If someone were planning to kill me, I wouldn't have my last dinner with them. Love somehow does.

God is good. This week has been trying, but I know that He is faithful, and I know that Sunday's coming.

Amen and amen,
t.

sometimes you gotta speak up...

I really hate debating. And I really hate politics. I shared this article on Facebook (I may be really starting to hate Facebook), and (as I should have expected), I got some backlash...
http://www.salon.com/2012/03/28/where_are_the_normal_christians/singleton/
So this was my response. I had to do it. I friggin' hate arguing - hopefully I was to the point, not un-kind, and clear:

Wow. Sorry you feel that way Jake. But people do judge Christians by the loudest ones. That's the truth. I don't want to be lumped in to that category. I happened to share this article because I liked it. Because I strive to be like Jesus. Because he told us to do 2 things: love God, and love our neighbor as ourselves. He did not tell us to judge, that is God's job. He did not tell us to convict people of their sin, that is the Holy Spirit's job. He told us to love. I work in a clinic that is specifically for HIV+ patients. I choose to work here because Jesus said 'when I was sick and in prison, you visited me'. I choose to work here because I want to 'be kinder than necessary for everyone is fighting some kind of battle'. I choose to work here because (I think it was Mother Teresa who said) 'If you judge people, you have no time to love them'. I choose to work here because God loves them. And I would like them to know that we're not all political and angry. Some of us just want to love, and share love. Having said that, the last paragraph really summed it up. I shared it because it spoke to me. That is all...

The last paragraph: He said, “Your truth is different from my truth. And we’re both right.” In a culture of arrogance and self-righteousness on either end of the dial, it’s a tough concept to embrace. But coexistence is only possible when we’re not screaming at each other, smugly pronouncing the other guy either sinful or stupid. All that many of us, as non extreme Christians, want is to simply be treated with the same respect and tolerance that our faith teaches us to give to others. Because whatever else we all believe, how can we ever go on as a diverse, thriving culture if we don’t believe first in each other?

Lent - continued...

It's been exactly a month since my last post - I suck at daily writing...

I am doing Lent, though.

Finished my book - Francis Chan's Forgotten God. Deep stuff. A lot like his other book - Crazy Love - which i highly recommend. I wanna have the guts to live radically for God. I've been asking for more stuff lately - not material stuff (for me anyways) - but more insight, discernment, leading by the Holy Spirit. And waiting expectantly... It's the listening part that I have a hard time with. I pray, and then I do - when I should just wait...

Still reading the daily Lent devotional on You Version. Very good. Thinking about starting another reading plan as soon as this is over...

Hitting the knees at least in the morning or at night. Today I got a major head rush when I stood up, though. Gotta watch that before eating. :)

Fasting: I kinda suck at this, too. Wait, not really... I've been sticking to the 'no meat on Fridays' deal - except one dinner, two weeks ago... and it was a judgement call - I was just dropping by someone's house, and they had the table all set, and invited me to stay - I felt like I should, and so accepted. Because of this quote & Matthew 6:16-18.

(of course that brings to mind - why am I writing this at all? Well, for one thing, no one really reads it...)

Here's the quote (it's from the website mentioned on the Ash Wednesday post).
Let humility be your guide. Resist the temptation to explain that you are fasting and so refuse. If you can politely refuse without hurting the person's feelings, then do so. But if someone has prepared something for you to bless you (a special desert at the end of a meal, cookies for a visit, or a big steak dinner right after you gave up meat), then perhaps the more humble response is to accept gratefully. After all, the point of Lent is not the elimination of a specific food, it is sacrifice. Sometimes the greater sacrifice is to give up the idea of a perfect day of fasting for the sake of another.
But it is also supposed to be more than just avoiding meat - it's supposed to be about eating less. And I am no good at that.
On the upside, I've been cooking a lot of vegetarian and gluten free meals. The better to take care of this temple with, my dear.

peace & love,

tc

Lent - Day (whatever)

OK, so I'm not sure which day it is. Thinking it doesn't really matter. I'm in a season, and here I will stay - until Easter...
I'm hanging in:

- no meat on Friday
that was easy.

- reading daily
OK, I could do more, but Thank God for that You Bible reminder on my phone!

- hitting my knees
It's awesome the things you (re-)learn from new Christians. Be diligent with your prayer life, get on your knees daily. It's such a good place to be.

- listening
It seems like everything I hear/read these days has to do with listening. We (I) really need to listen. Quiet, mind of mine! Be still and listen...

I read this today on Donald Miller's blog:
http://donmilleris.com/2012/02/27/the-dance-toward-god/
God bestows three blessings on man: to feed him like the birds, dress him like the flowers, and befriend him as a confidant. Too many take the first two and neglect the last.
Life is a dance toward God. And the dance is not so graceful as we might think. For a while we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes, and scuffs our shoes. He lowers His head, whispers soft and confident, “You will dance to the beat of ‘Amazing Grace’ or you will not dance at all.” So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a taxing dance to learn.

But once learned, don’t we glide. And don’t we sway. And don’t we bury our head in His chest. And don’t we love to dance.


peace & love, tc

Lent - Day 2

Day 1 - I failed on my reading goal for Forgotten God - didn't even open it. :-( sad.
I did not eat meat. Yay!
I read the Word. Yay!

Day 2 - Made up for the reading at lunch time.

I'm really liking the ideas in this devotional - especially this suggested fast:

Days: Leave it all behind: leave junk food, TV, cars, noise, and all the media and messages of the culture. Pack the very minimum (water, warm clothes, etc.) and find a trail, a mountain, or a beach, and feast on God.

Now, to find a free day with which to do so...

http://www.imby.net/easter/fast.html#other


peace & love,
tc

Ash Wednesday

I read an article about observing Lent yesterday and it made me want to do it. I thought maybe if I wrote about it, I could actually keep it up for 40 days.

I hope so.

There is a serious lack of discipline in my life. I mean, I pray - but it's always while moving... I have two books on listening to God and have been attempting to just spend time listening and not talking. Meditation! I need it.

Sit down. Shut up. Listen!

Here is the thing I read: http://www.imby.net/easter/

I like the name Bright Sadness.

So for me, it's not going to be so much about giving up something - although I will try to keep to the no meat on Fridays or Ash Wednesday deal - but it's about adding something. Prayer, Meditation, Devotions. One of the books I have - Forgotten God by Francis Chan, has less than 200 pages. 5 pages a day, right? I can do this...

Well, here goes - day 1. Wish me luck - or discipline...

~t.

Wells Fargo Fail / then Win

my email convo with WFB today:

ORIGINAL MESSAGE:
-----------------
What is the minimum balance I must keep in my savings account in order to not be charged a fee? I think it was $300, but please confirm.

thank you,

FIRST Response:
Dear Teresa xxxxxx

Thank you for contacting Wells Fargo. My name is Linda , and I am happy to assist you.

I received your request regarding your account. Please call customer service at 800-869-3557 and they will be glad to assist you.

My goal today was to provide you a complete and helpful answer. Thank you for banking with Wells Fargo.

Sincerely,
Linda W
Wells Fargo Online Customer Service

My response (which I'm not real proud of, but it was called for):
Your answer was neither complete, nor helpful. It's a simple question.

Next Response:
Dear Teresa xxxxx:

Thank you for contacting Wells Fargo. My name is Crystal, and I am happy to assist you.

I apologize for your frustration. The Regular Savings account will not be assessed a monthly service fee if a daily balance of $300.00 is maintained. If the balance in this account falls below this amount, the monthly service fee will be automatically deducted from your account.

To see if there is a different Wells Fargo account that may better meet your needs, please visit wellsfargo.com, or call us anytime at 1-800-TO-WELLS (1-800-869-3557).

My goal today was to provide you a complete and helpful answer. Thank you for banking with Wells Fargo.

Sincerely,
Crystal M
Wells Fargo Online Customer Service

thanks Crystal! See how easy that was, Linda? I really wanted to say something about sharing her skills with Linda, but I refrained...

A Christmas Visit with Jesus

Last night I dreamt I laid my head on Jesus's chest, and just sobbed.

His hair was longer than I'd always imagined, extra hippie-looking, but that's fitting for me. I didn't even feel sad in the beginning, it was almost like I just went to hug him, and then, as I rested my head there, the sobs came from somewhere deep within.

Still trying to process this, just had to get it written down before it faded into memory. Because, no, this is not something that's ever happened before... I do know that I felt very safe, I guess that may be obvious, safe enough to let it all out when I didn't even know it was there.

Just wow...

Dad

Happy 85th Birthday Dad!  I hope I'm doing as good as you when I get there!

I really hate this but it's true.

Surrendering to Singleness http://t.co/L6uv4HmG via @RELEVANT

peace and love...

I simply cannot focus on work today!  sheesh.  headache, yucky stomach... Could it be because i'm trying to quit coffee and carbs at the same time?  I watched Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead this weekend, then Food Matters.  Wow.  Time to pay attention to what I'm putting in my body!

But that's not what I came here to say.  I just noticed that when I used to leave people, I would say 'Peace'... and now I've started saying 'Peace & Love'. 
(Well, depending on who I'm talking to... wouldn't want anyone to think I was flirting... ah. hell.  but aside from that little neurosis...)
What does that mean?  I'm happy for it, I do wish everyone peace and love, and I should let them know that.  That being said, I'll come back when I really have something to say.

Peace and Love,
~t.

What are you doing ?

Wait, wait,” God says. “Let me get this straight…”

“I gave you a body able to swim oceans and climb mountains…and you sat in a cubicle?” “Right.”

“I gave you creativity, and you made widgets?”  “Yes,” the guy says.

“The one thing I withheld from you–the only thing you could never get more of, time–you traded away for…?”

“Money,” the guy says.

I saw this on some website yesterday, and had to have it.  I tried to look for who to credit, but couldn't find it again...  I think it speaks for itself...

Another Point of View

Or is it?  This article is rather lengthy, but such good stuff.  I have strived for these exact same things - only with different terminology.  What they call 'the Divine', we call God.  Namaste - another way to say love, grace, acceptance.  


http://www.yesyoucanchangetheworld.com/info/namaste


Everything is connected - I really believe that.  There is a paragraph in this article that speaks exactly to what we've been learning in the TrueFaced study.  This sounds so much like the realm of Pleasing God, rather than Trusting God.  It speaks of beginning to act out of pure love and compassion, rather than a learned script of actions.
 
We get so focused on doing and thinking that we don't see the Divine that is right before us..."I think the reason we want to learn what to do and what to think is that doing so makes us feel safe. It gives us a sense of control. If someone gives me a 'proven' process or a step-by-step formula, it feels a lot easier, a lot more accessible, a lot more achievable."

If God is trying to teach me something, it comes at me in many different ways until I get it.  Or, he simply speaks in a way that I will understand.  I was taught all of my life that Eastern religions were wrong, and we should run from them in the same way we run from witchcraft.  I'm just not seeing it.  Everything in this article makes sense to me.  Nothing I've heard in my yoga class is anti-Christ.  In fact - it's brought me closer to God, by reminding me to be quiet, and listen, and pray.

I know only 2 or 3 people actually read this, but I welcome comments.  I would really like to know if I'm getting way out there, or if it makes sense to you, too.

Avett Inspired

OK, I know I'm supposed to be working... I'm just feeling a little 'off'.  Not sure why, maybe it's an illness, maybe just plain tired.  Complete lack of energy.  So I was surfing...
 
I ran across this article by Scott Avett today.  (Oh yeah, I'm a huge fan.  I feel like you can tell alot about people from their lyrics - and wow - a whole article!  He IS cool like I thought he was!  Here's proof. )

There's also a sermon by his grandfather, and a review of his book of sermons. 

http://museandspirit.org/winter2010.html

This takes you to the table of contents, and you have to click on the articles.  I dig it.  I thought my artist and musician friends might as well...

I love this quote from the book review "There are people who have many masks but no face of their own" - Rev. Clegg Avett

~~~

We came for salvation
We came for family
We came for all that's good that's how we'll walk away
We came to break the bad
We came to cheer the sad
We came to leave behind the world a better way
- The Avett Brothers 'Salvation Song'

Lessons from Shiloh...

You can learn so much from kids.  Shiloh will be 1 in two days. 

On Sunday, she was standing looking out the slider at my sister's house, and I was across the room, and I rolled a giant exercise ball (you know, the kind you sit on) towards her.  I guess I have really bad (or really good) aim - because I realized it wasn't going to end up close to her, it was going to hit her!  I was too far away to stop it, and I was freaking in my head, thinking - I'm going to hurt this child that I love - and she's going to be sad, and cry, and it will all be my fault...  I started towards her just as it rolled right into her.  Mind you, this thing is almost as tall as she is. 

Then, the coolest thing happened.  She turned to see what it was - and smiled and started playing with it.  She was happy.  I was happy (and relieved!).

I've just been tripping on what we can learn from that.  hmmm...

 - she was open to whatever it was that was interrupting her

 - she embraced it (literally!)

 - it ultimately brought her joy

I've been thinking lately about how everything is in our perception.  If I see the ball (or whatever) coming at me as an intrusion or threat, because I have my agenda - it's gonna screw up my whole day.  If I get interrupted, or things don't go as planned - and I am open to it - a whole new world could open up to me.

Let's look at every thing with awe and wonder, and embrace it, whatever it may be - change, loss, trials, random people striking up a conversation, anything that is unexpected.  I believe joy will follow.

Shiloh and her mommy.

True-faced or two-faced?

http://donmilleris.com/2011/05/04/when-doing-good-isnt-really-doing-good/

This blog from Don Miller is coming at me very timely.  We're doing a book study called 'TrueFaced', and it is kicking my self-righteous butt!

Just realizing how many things I've done through self-effort over the years, and selfishness.  Living in the realm of 'Pleasing God' - trying to do the right thing, and be a good person - rather than the realm of 'Trusting God' - letting him love me, just because he loves me - and he made me just who I am.  The book & video have a couple stories of different women, and how they have hurt others under the pretext of protecting themselves, or taking care of themselves.  Building a wall around you in order to protect.  And in doing so, others get hurt.

Yep, that's me. 

One of the things John Lynch said in the video last night was that when you wear a mask - you don't receive love - only the mask receives love.  Sad.

Sometimes the truth hurts, but - I believe - that 'when the student is ready, the teacher appears'.  So it's time for me to take down those masks, to be who I really am, to let God (and others) love me.  Then I will in turn be able to love others.

I wrote this poem when I was 16, Hmmm, I wrote it about someone else, but it seems appropriate...

Masks

Too many faces, I don't understand
Wearing your masks to no man's land
Seasons change, and so do we ~
But there's no need to hide from me.
I loved every face that you showed me,
though I know that they're really not you.
And every time I learn your ways,
you act out something new.

~tc